I have a nasty cycle in my self-improvement patterns. It goes something like this:
Feel something uncomfortable, notice it and wish it would not take over my actions, it takes over anyway usually in the form of some anger (response to injury), I act a way that I do not want to act because of deeper reasons of discontent than that specific incident, then… now here is the real kicker.
Because I know what I want to be acting like, I feel disappointed in myself. Rather than something that will let me move on faster such as the, “It’s okay, we all make mistakes,” self talk to myself, I instead go into “You should know better.” Because I do know better, intellectually that is.
So, then I am not being kind to myself and it takes me a bit of “regression” time to rebound, care for myself, and have a renewed perspective again.
“You’ll do better next time,” I tell my less frustrated self. It truly is like talking to a child. It is a strange process, this self parenting/self kindness stuff, but it works.
I am so tired of this cycle though, that is why I am posting about it. It seems that when I post something to the world even if no one reads it, I make more progress than when I just vent about it in a journal. So, progress, please come hither.
I do not want to respond so actively to my trigger points, I want to feel, but not in ways that control me.
My daughter is five and she has had a few night time accidents lately. Do I make a big deal out of those? No. I need to treat myself the same way.
Accidents happen. Today I start over.